Today’s Great Relationship Habit: Great relationships need communication know-how
It may look as if people in great relationships intuitively know what their partners need. But the truth is, “no one is a mind-reader so don’t expect your partner to be able to figure out how you’re feeling,” says relationship expert Dr. Phil.
When things aren’t perfectly in sync, couples in this kind of relationship know how to communicate. They know that instead of giving their partner a laundry list of what he or she is doing wrong, they can be specific about what it is that they want. They also make an effort to discover what their partner’s needs are. The best way for most people to do this is talk about it. Ask your partner what things are really important to him or her. Does he want to know you’re proud of him? Does she need to be able to express her sadness over a family or work-related situation without hearing how she ought to handle it?
Too often we get into the habit of coaching and not listening. The best way to let your partner know you are listening is to ask how she or he “feels” about the situation. Once they begin sharing, your job is simply to shut-up and listen. Offer acknowledgments and affirmations from time-to-time to demonstrate you are engaged with what is being said. Only give your opinion or advice if asked.
Unspoken communication is another important component in successful relationships. Realizing your partner’s body language as well as honing in on what is “not” being said demonstrates concern, too. In my marriage, Mary Beth and I both have what we call “intuitive radar.” For example, when she calls me at work I can tell instantly, just by the sound of her voice, if she is struggling or upset over a particular situation. Likewise, as soon as I walk through the door at the end of the day she knows precisely what kind of day I had.
The goal of having the ability to gain this type of information from one another so quickly isn’t to start questioning and interrogating the other; the goal is to understand where we each are and to respect our individual boundaries, Sometimes it just a slight touch or a look with our eyes that tells the other “I know you are upset or hurting over something and I’m here to help when you are ready to talk.”
Creating a productive and safe environment for couples to reveal intimate details — both the sharing and the listening — brings a couple closer. True intimacy and passion begins outside of the bedroom first. There must be a level of trust and respect that only can be created, and maintained, by taking the time to work on effective communication.
Next: Great relationships turn negatives into positives
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